On Making Decisions

I read somewhere that we make about "217 food-related decisions a day". I think we get more or less half of them wrong. That's why we gain (or lose) weight without us knowing. Most girls are slaves to that flat, board-like object lying on the floor. One itsy bitsy line (on that weighing scale, that is) defines our utmost triumph and joy (followed by days of high self-confidence and that liberating "I'm-sexy-and-I-know-it" vibe) or pure anguish and frustration (followed by another week of very limiting diets and really painful physical activities).

It's amazing how, most of the time, crossing one itsy bitsy line defines the course of action we undertake in our lives. It can make us. It can break us. It most definitely affects us. And, most of the time, there is no turning back. The numbers you see when you step on the weighing scale become insignificant when you think of how there are so many other things that you cannot lose (or gain back) once you've crossed that line.

(And they say losing or gaining weight is one of the hardest things a girl encounters in her life. Ha! Yeah, right.)

So what must a girl to do when she is perched on that fence, sitting and thinking of the right thing to do? Must she heed her instinct or carefully think things through? Must she go for the practical choice or the popular decision? Must she be selfish or think of the feelings of the people around her?

Must she listen to her mind's reason? Must she listen to her heart's desire?

Based on experience, I'd like to say that it doesn't really matter. What matters most is that you are ready to face the consequences of that choice. Remember that it is always a fifty-fifty thing: you are never sure if you've done the right thing unless it has been shoved up in your face and you can see it as clear as day. So anticipate that uplifting feeling of pride and satisfaction in what you have done. However, be ready to accept the crushing agony of defeat and shame when you realize that you have gone down the wrong road and that you are lost.

And, when you do get lost, remember the reason why you chose that road anyway. Try to recall all the pros and cons you have listed down (or the lack thereof) that led you to that direction. Remind yourself. Make sure you're sure. No, not of the fact that you made the right decision (because there is no way of knowing, like what I have mentioned earlier) but of the reasons behind that particular choice. See, there is nothing worse than doubting yourself. Second-guessing never helped and never will.

We make decisions every day. Some major ones, some minor ones. Like the ripples when a pebble is thrown in the middle of a lake, remember that it is the effects of our choices -- even the small ones -- that define us. Sometimes, it takes just one teeny tiny line to determine who we are. While we may not always know where to stand, may we always have the courage to stand...and to stand tall.

Life's lemons

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

But what if you're out of sugar and ice? Sometimes, you can't help but feel pessimistic when things are out of your control and, as much as you'd like to remain hopeful that things will be better soon, you lose that cool energy to keep going and that sweet inspiration to get things right again. When this happens, what should you do? Should you still make that lemonade, knowing that it'll taste as bad and sour as the fruit it came from?

Today, I realized that life does not necessarily become better or worse just because a new year has arrived.  You will still be haunted by your past and you cannot start anew unless you have tied up all your loose ends. But is there even a chance in this lifetime for you to drive your demons out of your life? Can you really completely forgive yourself for the pain you have brought not only in your life but also in the lives of the people you care about? Or is finding peace in yourself found only in eternal repose? Are we destined to just admit defeat and feel content with the meager happiness we receive from petty achievements and fleeting memories and bear the mediocrity and/or pain from all the other moments in between?

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But what if you want a glass of apple juice instead? Do we really have to accept all of life's lemons and not ask, wish, hope, pray, beg for something else? Is it wrong to ask for something totally different, just for a change, just for once?


***
Okay, this is such an emo whine-y post. The next lemon life throws me is definitely ending up with tequila. LOL. Happy new year!

Isn't it peculiar

Isn't it quite peculiar how you can remember other people's faces but not their names?
How you recognize that glint in his eye and that crooked smile on his face
but not how you once uttered his name
and asked him questions that caught your interest sometime ago?

Isn't it peculiar how sometimes it's the other way around?
How you vaguely remember hearing this unlikely confidant spill his deepest darkest secrets
but not how tears spilled from his sad, sad eyes
and trickled down from his cheek to yours?

Peculiar, isn't it, how there are moments that you'd rather forget but you can't.
How you want to bear in mind and never forget the lesson you just had to learn the hard way
but not how you felt while you threw wisdom and control out of the window, stayed in his arms,
moaned, gave, received, laughed, cried
and shook yourself to the core?

Peculiar, isn't it, how there are things that are done even before they have begun.
How you find yourself tearing down that jack-in-the-box you created with your impulsive foolishness
but not rebuilding the fort you have painstakingly erected
put up, took care of, sacrificed for, created, polished
and perfected that even you can't stand its perfection?

Peculiar how you want one thing and need another.
Peculiar how a seed so little and ignored can grow so strong.
Peculiar how it can be so alive!

Isn't it?

Here's the Deal

Once again, I am talking about something that I apparently have an excess of: feelings. Honestly, if feelings were money, I'd be the richest gal in town.

More often than not, our emotions get the best of us.

They always say that there's a reason why the head is placed above the heart, and not the other way around. I always thought that this was coincidental, the believer of dreams and the hopeless romantic that I am. I kept on thinking Oh, c'mon. If I were supposed to use my head most of the time, if not always, then, why is it that my heart is in the center of...well, everything? 

Lately, though, I've been thinking this over and, now, I'm not exactly sure. I have always been the "follow your heart's desire" type of girl but, time and again, I've been slapped with concrete evidence that this does not work for most people. Especially if your heart is filled with feelings so fleeting...so fleeting, you can almost feel them slip through your fingers.

Yes, sometimes, our emotions get the best of us. The intensity of our feelings, of our emotions, can be too much for our little hearts to hold. Because of this, we often end up feeling too overwhelmed and we end up making bad decisions. And bad choices often lead to bad consequences.

I always thought that when you feel something -- and when it feels like it's something really special -- you should act on it. Now that I'm older (and perhaps a bit smarter), I've realized that emotions, especially very intense ones, should be left alone until they have either subsided or have grown to something even more spectacularly overwhelming. I think I now have a better idea on the concept of "the real thing"...and it's not something that manifests once in a while just because you're lonely, tired, angry, (insert other negative/positive/whatever emotions here).

"In ten years time, will these still matter?" I now find myself asking this question over and over again when I try to deal with (yup, you guessed it right) these pangs, flutters and "whatnots" I feel. Dealing with certain issues now is easier because, while I definitely still don't know what will happen next, I know what and who I want to see when I look back a few years from now. I want to smile and say that, yes, I handled that pretty well, didn't I? It sort of goes against my philosophy and my quite impulsive nature but so what? I have gotten tired of the drama around me (most of which I have admittedly created, by the way). I now strive to aim to see the simplest things, accept these things and let life be. I can see no other way to survive this world and still be happy at the same time.

Sometimes, I still doubt the decision to let go of my childlike (childish?) view of things. Sifting through people and things in life also have its downsides, like letting go of things you are used to, of people you still want, of feelings you still feel. But you can't have it all. When you go shopping, you have to choose the best pair of shoes that will fit you and your wardrobe because you're no Bill Gates: you can't afford it all. Right now, the best thing is the real thing -- not only now, but in two, five or even ten years time.

I understand that the only real things are facts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that decisions shouldn't always be 100% heart but a compromise of both. I like the idea of taking into consideration what is completely true and what is true to you. Like, how some people can screw up and get you so mad but you still forgive them. You give them a part of your time, of your effort, of yourself, because they are still part of you. No, you don't give them your full trust and attention; you're past that, you're not that naive. It is eternally true that they are your family, your friends but it is also true that they have hurt you and are not doing anything to prove that they are worthy of your trust. So, you don't give everything you have. Instead, you give them what they deserve.

And I think, by doing so, you end up deciding what you deserve as well.

______'s block

So you stare at that cursor
that continuously blinks.
Blink. Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

Your eyes blink with it in unison.
Or maybe your brain, too,
as it tries to think.
But comes up with nothing.

Your fists unclench as well.
And maybe your fingers twitch
as they grasp for the words you want to say.
But frustratingly ends up with nothing.

Your feet tap to the beat.
Or they might go against it
as you try to digest what that song means.
But you hear nothing.

Funny, isn't it, how
while your legs shake to the beat (or not)
and your digits remain uncooperative
and your mind.
Is.
Blank,

as the screen in front of you,

Your heart is so full and heavy, you can
Actually just bleed and bleed and bleed 
All over your page
Or your blog-slash-account
Or hers, or his, or theirs
And let them know everything
you've masked and protected and saved for nobody
but yourself.


So you stare at that corner
as you continuously blink.
Blink. Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

But don't let the first one fall.

Almost Dawn

Cool breeze on your face and a veil of midnight blue
Mix with smoke from the cigarettes, your only companion true.
Caught by this intrigue and your own brand of curiosity,
You dig deeper and squint and look even more closely.

Cool breeze on your face and a veil of midnight blue
Stretch bleakly from above, eyes are simply on you.
Try to win that staring game, be the warrior that you are.
Try to fight for your right, try to be that shining star.

Cool breeze on your face and a veil of midnight blue
Suffocate you -- oh, horror! -- by showing you what's true.
Thin orange strings of light around his neck are wrapped,
Still you don't avert your eyes for you are simply trapped.

Cool breeze on your face and a veil of midnight blue
Mix with smoke from your cigarette and from hundred others, too.
Stars that shone once brightly bleakly admit defeat.
And yes, you too, are lost; the good morning you must meet.

Strip, September.

I know I haven't blogged for a while. This is mainly because August was HELL. I've never had an August worse than the last one. But, being the optimist that I am, I have decided to let that all go, look at everything as a challenge and move on. Don't give me too much credit, though. I don't think I'm doing this because I have matured or something. I just keep on thinking that, if I don't hold my head up high and just walk away, I'd still smell the same poop every single day and that would be just sad. Don't you agree?

Anyway, September is here and some friends of mine have dubbed the month as "Happy September." Only, September, for me, isn't a happy, happy month. It's not hell month, not like August, though. I'd like to think that it's the month of changes. A lot of things are happening and they are happening fast. It's just mid-month and I feel as if I have enough memories to last me the rest of 2012. I honestly find it hard to catch up and it's tiring, in a way, to be always chasing after dreams, whatsits and whatnots.

It's funny how one event can change the way you perceive your life, how a singular moment can create so much chaos that you're shocked, stumped and perhaps even everything else in between.You realize that your so-called principles and ideas are not as grand as you think (perhaps hormonal, even). You realize that the people you thought were like this turned out to be like that. You realize that you overlooked things that were right under your nose -- and you did it on purpose, because it was easier to ignore them, really. And, yes, you realize all these at the same time, and you don't have the time to say "Wait!" or grab a lifebuoy or even breathe for that matter. You end up trying to swim for your life. Otherwise, you'll drown and die out of pressure or you'll float around and simply lose yourself in the process.

In so many ways, September is like that new sexy star featured in your latest copy of FHM: shocking, too revealing, eager to leave a mark in your memory and your consciousness for a long, long time.

Thus, to September, I say one thing: strip. Let it all out. Bare it all. Show me what I want to see...no, show me what I need to see. And, maybe -- just maybe -- when I have nothing in my hands but the naked truth, I'd know how to act and how to do it right come October, November and December.

Strip, September. Teach me how to dance again.