______'s block

So you stare at that cursor
that continuously blinks.
Blink. Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

Your eyes blink with it in unison.
Or maybe your brain, too,
as it tries to think.
But comes up with nothing.

Your fists unclench as well.
And maybe your fingers twitch
as they grasp for the words you want to say.
But frustratingly ends up with nothing.

Your feet tap to the beat.
Or they might go against it
as you try to digest what that song means.
But you hear nothing.

Funny, isn't it, how
while your legs shake to the beat (or not)
and your digits remain uncooperative
and your mind.
Is.
Blank,

as the screen in front of you,

Your heart is so full and heavy, you can
Actually just bleed and bleed and bleed 
All over your page
Or your blog-slash-account
Or hers, or his, or theirs
And let them know everything
you've masked and protected and saved for nobody
but yourself.


So you stare at that corner
as you continuously blink.
Blink. Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

But don't let the first one fall.

Amor Fati

"What fates impose, that men must needs abide; It boots not to resist both wind and tide."

-William Shakespeare

“Yet it would be your duty to bear it, if you could not avoid it: it is weak and silly to say you cannot bear what it is your fate to be required to bear.” 

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

How to Cure a Hangover

People do crazy things when they're in love - Meg, "Hercules" (1997)

People do crazy things when they're drunk. - Me, and everyone else

Once you wake up, get over the initial shock that you're alone. The party's over. Did you really expect them to watch you sleep? They have their own lives to live, their own homes to go home to, their own problems to solve. Selfish bitch.

Grab a glass of water and drink. Never mind that it still tastes a bit like your vomit. Never mind that you don't feel like drinking anything for, perhaps, the next couple of hours (or days). Drink until the last drop. Drink it the way you drank all those tequila shots last night.

Don't try to remember what happened, how it happened and who it happened with. And -- God forbid -- don't even think of trying to remember why it happened. So you danced on a table/laughed out loud/confessed your feelings/held his or her hand/kissed him or her/had sex with him or her/called him or her or them names/cried/vomited/drunk dialed someone/[insert other embarrassing things people typically do when they're drunk]. You were drunk. There's no other explanation. Don't try to rationalize; that'll make things even more embarrassing. You already have a headache so stop trying to make it worse.

Ignore. Ignore that tingling feeling all over your body. Ignore the faint taste of the alcohol on your lips. What's the use of reliving moments long gone? They were fun once, yes, but do you really want to continuously live in the past? You already feel disoriented, confused. Don't make it worse.

Stop asking where time went. Time passes, and quickly. You might not remember anything right now but good things happened, too. If you just really try to see beyond the fact that you were drunk, you'd know. Don't try to recall all the details from the past. You're already in pain. Don't. Make. It. Worse.

Don't blame yourself. It's perfectly normal to get drunk. Some people just handle alcohol better than others. And even those people fail once in a while. Stop muttering "never again" to yourself. You've said that a dozen times before. You can't help it; give it time and you'd probably be begging for more. Perhaps another poison though: a vodka-sprite or a rum coke, a margarita or a long island iced tea. Or you can always have a bottle of good ol' fashioned beer. Hey, why not? It's cheap and goes well with anything. You can use a friendly drink once in a while, you know. Something that your friends'd like as well.

Yes, maybe you just need to choose a better drink next time. Who knows, maybe you can avoid feeling this way if you choose the right stuff next time.

Sleep. Don't try to forget. Yes, I know I said don't try to remember. Just...let it be. Don't think...well, at least not for the next few hours. Be comfortable with the idea that shit happens. This ain't the first time. It definitely won't be the last.

Yes, sleep. Sleep until such the time that you can stand up, walk straight, and go to the bathroom to take a shower and not to throw up. Sleep until you feel less like a zombie and more of a real, live person. Sleep until you don't feel that throbbing pain anymore. Sleep until it doesn't hurt at all.

Fight the urge to smoke. You don't remember where you put your cigarettes, anyway.

Conditionals

If I stop wishing, this ends.

If I stop talking to you, you probably won't care.
If I were her, I wouldn't be as sad.
But, if I had stopped dreaming, I would've lost the dream
                                                                  the wish
                                                                  the prayer I fervently ask for
                                                                                                         but I didn't think
                                                                                                                         or stop
                                                                                                                         or pause.
If only I had stopped waiting, I wouldn't be here thinking of you
I'd be without you.

If I stopped, you wouldn't have noticed anyway.

***

If I say I'm ready, nothing changes.

If I say I'm ready, you probably won't believe me.

If I were her, I wouldn't be as lost.

Yes, if I had been ready, I would've told you
                                                         and her
                                                         and him
                                                         and everyone else in the world
                                                                                            but I'm not brave
                                                                                                             or honest
                                                                                                             or even sure.
If only I had been more sure, I wouldn't be here just thinking of you
I'd be with you.

If I were ready, you wouldn't have noticed anyway.

**

If I go fight for you, everything transforms.

If I go fight for you, you probably won't let me win.

If I were her, I wouldn't be as mad.

And, if I had gone and faced the music, I would've held your hand

                                                                               your face

                                                                               your gaze

                                                                               your heart with such tenderness

                                                                                                               but I didn't think

                                                                                                                       was not sure

                                                                                                                       pretended.

Pretended.

I didn't want you.

If only I had gone and braved the waters, I wouldn't be here just thinking of you

You'd be thinking of me too.

If I did fight for you, would you have even noticed?

Would you have even believed?

Would you have even cared?

*

Would I have ever won?

For if I weren't such a fool, I would've realized that my heart truly belongs to you.

IDA Day!

Today marks Ida's first day in our company. Of course, we weren't as close back then but it doesn't really matter. In my calendar, today is IDA (Ida Deserves Appreciation) Day! To show my love to the REAL evil twin, here's a poem*:

Whoever thought that we'd be this close?

Two unlikely friends, more likely to be foes!

Let's shout and celebrate; let us all cheer

For it has been a year, Idapot, my dear!

Yes, it has been a year since your bag from Davao

Made me smile and coo and go "Oh, wow!"

And it has been a year since I gave you cake

To bribe you "for a trivia point's sake."

Christmas came and Christmas passed,

Who'd ever thought our friendship would last?

We met new people and the gang grew bigger

Yet our bond grew stronger, stronger and stronger.

And, ever since, you have always been there

To remind me of my importance, to show that you care.

You were there during my best and my worst days

To make me feel special in so many ways.

Ha, who'd ever think we'd be as close as we are now

And stomach each other's differences somehow:

How cute you can giggle when I cackle like a witch,

How outgoing I can be when pleasantries you ditch?

Sometimes I really wonder how this works

Our friendship, I mean, with all our contrastive quirks.

Though one thing is for sure, I think:

We can talk for days, even eras, 'til we stink!

So I wrote this to say that I'm really happy

That I'm your friend, though you can be, er, bitchy.

And, for the record, what you keep on saying is true:

Great things happen to people who listen to you.

Yes, it has been a year, Idapot, my dear,

And everything has been far from sere.

But I know I can go through all things thick and thin

As long as I have the love of my twin. :)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, IDAPOT!

I am so glad you're in my life! :)

(Sounds just a tad bit wrong...LOL #PervinizedMind)

*I claim poetic license so this poem is error-free. I don't even know if "claim" is the right word to use in my previous sentence. Sorry, Ida. We both know we lack sleep today/tonight.

Pretending and/or Acting

When I was younger, I didn't like that word. Pretending, I mean. To me, it sounded so...superficial. Or maybe because I've always associated pretending with the more common Filipino term: plastik. Mapagpanggap. Mapagkunuwa. I've always preferred the word acting. Perhaps it's my theater background. For me, it sounded more...professional. And, no, I didn't think I was rationalizing or calling one thing another. I mean, my personal definition of acting doesn't even have the word pretending in it. (Acting is being another person for a certain period of time, i.e., while you are onstage. It is an internalization of somebody completely different or completely similar to your own personality. FYI.)

After years and years and years of believing this, it suddenly struck me to check the dictionary. Just out of curiosity. I wanted to find out how the world officially sees the word I so glorified and called "better" than some other word. Here's what I found out:

Oh, my whole childhood/teenage life was a lie.

It's funny but, as I think more and more about it, I realized that I've been fooling nobody but myself. I still think that my definition is correct but only in certain situations. It can't be something applied to everyday life. In the end, I realized that acting can be pretending to be somebody you're not. And that's really dangerous. It's even more dangerous than pretending because, when you pretend, you know at the back of your mind that it's not true. It's imaginary, unreal. When you act, you have to internalize and, to Pareng Merriam and Pareng Webster:

To make something an important part of the kind of person you are. An important part of the kind of person you are. Doesn't it make you so much worse when you act than when you pretend? Say, when you act like you know something when, in fact, you don't. I think this is so much worse because you actually start to believe that you know something when you don't.

Or when you act like you care for someone when, in fact, you don't? Doesn't it hurt more because you have started believing that you do care, because you've taken that important part and held it close to your heart? That, when they find out that you don't really care about them, you still recoil from yourself a bit?

Again, realizations come wave after wave after wave. Maybe I don't like pretending because I don't know how to pretend. Maybe I've been acting all my life. Or maybe that's the reason why moving on has been really hard for me: I always act like I'm okay but I only pretend to move on. 

Does that make sense at all?

"And when we meet / Which I'm sure we will / All that was there / Will be there still.

I'll let it pass / And hold my tongue / And you will think / That I've moved on...."

- White Flag, Dido

Buntis

Unti-unti na ngang nakikita
Ng mundo
Ang totoo.

Una pa lang ay alam ko na.
Napagtatanto isang umaga.
Matapos magkape'y alam na nga
Naramdaman na ang unang sipa.

Masaya man sa naramdaman,
Pilit 'tong ikinubli sa isipan.
Takot mawalan ng kaibigan.
Mahal sa buha'y masasaktan.

Pagka't pagtanggap nito'y may kakambal:
Hinagpis sa mga pusong hangal.
'Di naman alam kung ito'y tatagal.
'Di naman alam kung ito'y pagmamahal.

Nguni't hanggang kailan ba itatago?
Alam na nga naman ang totoo.
Kahihinatna'y 'di na rin bago:
Lahat ay tiyak na uuwing bigo.

Una pa lang ay alam ko na.
Baka sadya lang nakatadhana.
Pilit mang baguhi'y wala na.
Pilit mang itago'y huli na.

Ngayo'y di na alam kung pa'no tatapusin
Gusto man ang atensyon mo'y di maaring hingin.
Nawa'y kahit paliham ako'y iyong dinggin:
Ako ba'y sadyang kaya mong mahalin?

Dahil pabulaanan ma'y 'di na maitatanggi,
Bumibilog na damdami'y di mo rin naman masisi.
Narito na nga'ng ebidensya, eto na'ng saksi:
Ginusto't inibig ka na yata, kahit ito'y mali.

Unti-unti na ngang nakikita
Ng mundo
Ang totoo.