sunday Again

you share and share 

and share
bits and pieces of
your Mind
your Heart
your Body
your Soul
your Self

they take and take
and take
a handful and a pinch of
Whatever you have to Offer
Whatever else they can Find
Whatever they think they Need
Whatever they think they're Entitled to
Whatever they think they Want

you wish and hope
and pray
for a bit and a half of
their Ideas
their Thoughts
their Feelings
their Stirrings
their Truths

they hide and leave
and apologize
for the entirety and some of
their Rash Judgement
their Unintentional Mistakes
their Impulsiveness
their Stupidity
their Lies

.

and they're supposed to be the genuine ones

.

Whispers on the 7th

Life is 

rhg;yn48 r34123@~&^(&WEdsfkyncywidgcwjsgbdjfcns

 \pdi2u0946x43781 3 rfebuhdsjcvluyejgrn92p

dnkfnhiejcfjeu[3q2i349057465nmns

dilhfnxjfdkgbvimasd;lcjxdoi;fmxcq0884n4jkyfn 

98dsoc ht3pi5i ; l3r024yc9 7pyhewr89ihwe4k6nbkg 

fd,90 

]qO-2EC1H5O4UY698E[UJ. 

k rwek45fycnw7i34o54373n873534iyrheiutyieruth

j0457456t45kjybjtrg-srji34qbewofnd 

c89mrohc4wjkrhc0w48975cf89367-01859wjt8i;

andtoofuckingconfusingtounderstandreally.

So lie to me.

Lie to me as I lie to myself.

Say something wrong. Say something right.

Pour out words as bittersweet as these precious moments.

Lie to me.

Lie to me as you lie next to me,

As you hold me close, let me embrace you more.

As you gently caress, let me touch your soul.

Lie to me.

Lie to me this once as I hold you in my hands

and drink in your presence, your scent,

the softness of your shirt, the beating of your heart.

Lie.

Lie as oft as this clock 
whose time is right 
twice a day.

Lie.
I've got nothing to lose
but the nonexistence of us
anyway.

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Layaan

Dahil nga't Araw ng Kasarinlan ngayon, heto ang isang tula.

LAYAAN

Darating ang araw at ako
naman ang lilisan
patungo sa

mga ibang pook at ikaw
naman ang maiiiwang
puno ng

Tanong na akin
namang sasagutin
pagka't di

ako katulad mo.

Marahi'y di
maaaring mangyaring

makalimot at

Akala lang
ay kayang burahin
ang alaala ng

Iyong sinabi, ginawa, sinabi, ipinaramdam,
ginawa, ipinaramdam,
sinabi, ginawa,
sinabi,
sinabi.

Subali't di
susuko sa oras na
subukin ang

Tiwala sa
totoong paniniwalang
tunay akong magiging

malaya ng wala ka.

Twenty-four Lessons ver. 2.0

Somebody pointed out that I had two #12's in my previous post. (Did you guys notice? I definitely didn't. Blaming it on the lambanog!) Another friend of mine also pointed out that the lessons I have listed down, while "inspiring and really cute" (rolling my eyes right now), have nothing to do with romantic love. Admittedly, I went all ??? and then realized that maybe I am skirting that particular aspect of my life.

Thus, I am posting version 2.0 of my twenty-four lessons post. Yes, this one will contain some stuff I have realized over the years in that particular department. Not all, though. I think I haven't learned enough in that aspect of my life. (Though I am in denial and I refuse to believe that. :P) Some are kind of recycled (from my Twitter account), but all original (or as original as general, life-inspirational verses can be). Enjoy!

24. Learn how to count...your blessings. LOL. But seriously, learn how to count your blessings. Your mistakes. The lessons you've learned from them.

23. Also, learn how to count the chances you've been given and the risks you've taken. Just to keep you on your toes and to remind you that you are neither lucky nor unlucky forever.

22. When you take responsibility, take it whole or none at all. Own it, the way you'd own that new designer pair of shoes you just bought using all your bonus pay. And, when you feel like you're going to explode with all that "owning," remember that...

21.  ...there is nothing that chocolate can't fix. Or ice cream. Or beer. Or tequila. Choose your poison. But...

20. ...know that there is nothing better than children's laughter/smiles/hugs to make all the tiredness go away. The wonder on their wide, innocent eyes when you tell them about the Three Little Pigs. The trust in their voice when they say "Yes, Teacher!" The earnest way they wave "Good bye!" Oh, joy! When was the last time you talked to a kid? :)

19. Dress up for yourself. Don't believe that all "dress up 'cause you never know who you'll meet out there." crap. I mean, there is some truth in that, but dress up for yourself first and foremost. It's your skin you're covering up (or revealing) anyway.

18. Avoid unnecessary drama. It is saddening but quite important to let go of friends who bring even more chaos and confusion to your already chaotic and confusing world.

17. Yes, everyone's newest mantra "Keep calm and [insert another action here]" works wonders most of the time. The phrase may just be a trend, but poise and grace under pressure are timeless.

16. And, yes, there are just some things that you cannot fix. Remember that and try not to feel all too guilty about it. Especially if you tried...and if you have tried really hard already.

15. Don't play games if you're not ready to lose. Also, don't play games only to brag about your conquests or your prizes. And don't play games if you don't know the rules or if you can't follow them. Then again, it is human nature not to follow rules. Alas, don't play games at all.

14. Flirting is an art: it is viewed and interpreted in many, many ways, and not everyone understands it. Enjoy, but be careful.

13. Also, experience is not only the best teacher, but also the most beautiful of masterpieces. Art becomes better as we grow older. Or, rather, more mature.

12. Trust your instinct. Most of the time, it is more trustworthy than the people around you.

11. It is not true that people do not judge. They do. Every time. I do, and I'm pretty sure you do, too. It is, however, up to you to decide what to do with your perceptions.

10. When things go sour, mourn. It's not a sign of weakness. Admit it: by then, you'd know that you already are weak. It's your first step to regaining your strength.As cliche as it sounds, everything really does happen for a reason. And all these reasons are revealed in time.

9. There are times that it is better to not read between the lines and take things as it is. As John Mayer said in one of his songs: Anything other than 'yes' is 'no.' / Anything other than 'stay' is 'go.' / Anything less than 'I love you' is lying. I know, I know, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but we're all people here who would probably seek for clarity when the time arises. When that time comes, all should speak but one language.

8. Smile at other people's indecisiveness. Remember that you, too, are guilty of this once in a while.

7. Cheaters never win. Despite the prepositions that may come with the dreadful verb.

6. Revenge births such powerful motivation to act. When you feel vengeful, do something positive for yourself.

5. Never ever just settle. You're not doing anybody any favors and you're selling yourself short at the same time. Being single and happy is infinitely better than being with someone and miserable.

4. Some of the love you feel never goes away. But it does transform into something else: friendship, care, trust, faith...hope. It sucks when it becomes hate. But it does happen, no matter how sad that sounds.

3. That doesn't mean it can't transform into anything else, though. These transformations may change the way you feel, the way you think, but remember that some may not be as permanent as you think they are. And, when they aren't, don't stand in the way of change.

2. He must make you laugh. Find ways to find laughter with him. Oh, and make him laugh, too. :)

1. Believe that you will find love. Only, sometimes, it might not be with another person. Love is all around you. Loneliness, just like happiness, is so relative.

Twenty-four Lessons

I guess I can say that, in a nutshell, I have learned these things over my twenty-four years of existence:

24. Know that you will learn something valuable from others. This is true no matter how colorful your life is. You can't experience them all.

23. Also, learn from yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Seize the day. Living a life full of regrets is not living a life at all.

22. But don't be afraid to admit that you do feel regret. Acknowledge your emotions. Embrace them. Learn from them. Grow from them. Don't be afraid to cry.

21. Never stop discovering. It is never too late to fall in love with a new hobby, a new pet, a new idea, a new friend...the list goes on and on.

20. Some of the best gifts do come wrapped and are in, erm, object form. Avoid giving generic gifts.

18. Be artistic. There will always be moments when words will fail you. When that happens, dance. Paint  Sketch. When all else fails, take a picture. There are two universal languages in this world of ours: Math and music. If you can't do Math properly, make music so that the world will know what you want to say. Sing.

17. Don't be afraid to look funny or stupid. The important thing is you're having a good time. It's better to laugh at yourself than to laugh at the expense of others.

16. Yes, avoid laughing at other people behind their backs. Know that it doesn't feel good at all.

15. Time is gold. Avoid procrastination.

14. However, don't confuse procrastination with relaxation.

13. Push your limits. Be courageous. Just because you're good doesn't mean you can't be better. Just because you're already better doesn't mean you can't be the best.

12. And when you do become the best, teach. Teaching is sharing. Not to mention fulfilling. :) Recognize, though, that you never stop learning. If you think you know enough, then you know nothing.

12. Learn how to deal on your own. Otherwise, you'd be so dependent on others. That is never a good thing. So is going crazy.

11. Keep secrets, but be honest with yourself. How can you be honest with others if you don't know how to be honest with yourself?

10. There are times when the unexpected is infinitely better than even your highest expectations. Appreciate surprises.

9. Smile on a gloomy day. You'll definitely feel better and so will the other people around you. Emotions are contagious.

8.  Indulge in moderation. Reward yourself. See, it might be a tad bit expensive to travel to places you have never been to before, to eat really good food, to watch movies or concerts or to binge on booze, but memories are priceless.

7. Letting go doesn't equate to giving up. There are times that it means that you've found peace within yourself despite the chaos around you.

6. Opportunities knock not only because you know the right people, but also because these people trust that you're the right man for a certain job. Believe in yourself the way they believe in you.

5. Also, believe in others. Trust that, yes, yes, there are people in this world worth trusting. Ultimately, they are all worth helping and caring for. We all have our bad and good sides. We are all innocent until proven guilty.

4. And, even when guilty, give people the benefit of the doubt. You might have read people or have interpreted situations incorrectly. Someday, you'd need that second chance. Who says that someone you know doesn't need one right now?

3. Seek and pray. It doesn't matter to whom you pray to. Talk to Him/Her the way you'd talk to your bestest best friend. He/She knows everything after all.

2. Blood may not be thicker than water all the time, but love is. Family first.

1. Love yourself. Boys come and go; girls, too. This world is full of people of all shapes and sizes. But there is only one you. :)

An even longer period of silence

I have always respected people who decide to keep silent even when the world begs them to speak up. I guess it's because I know how it feels like. There have been moments in my life when I was forced to voice my opinions and make decisions when I felt so lost and would've chosen to just shut my trap and not make a choice at all.

It can be viewed as immature and even irresponsible, I know. I cannot deny the fact, though, that sometimes it's better to hold your tongue even when your head is full of thoughts that need sorting out. Perhaps that's it: sometimes, you need to sort them out on your on first before sharing them with anyone. After all, once you've said whatever it is that's running through your mind, it'll be open to interpretation and it'll be very hard to take any of your words back. I made that mistake once. I answered what seems to be very important questions without thinking them through.

I'm still in deep, erm, dirt because of that.

They say the best ideas and most perfect realizations are usually found in complete silence. Sometimes, the only sound that you need to hear is the sound of your mind whirring about, looking for the right solution to your most disturbing problem. I'm taking a page from your book and shutting up. Never mind that we have a lot to discuss. Never mind that I have my own set of questions that I want you to answer. Never mind that I want this over and done with.

Fate has its way of telling you that you have your priorities screwed up. In my case, it presented a new opportunity to make my life as a breadwinner a bit easier. Such a blessing in disguise it was. I was about to self-destruct with all these confusing feelings you've awakened after a relatively long while. So, I am shutting up and focusing on more urgent matters. There are things that are less important, yes, but are much easier to deal with.

I guess dealing with those is my way of getting ready for that time when I need to open up again. Because, yes, I won't hold my peace forever. I will speak again. And, when that happens, you'll be forced to look me in the eye, as I'll be forced to be completely honest with you. You'll stop toying with my feelings, as I yours (though I don't think I ever did do that. Well, at least, not on purpose). We'll answer each other's questions. We'll finally figure out what we have been doing. We'll finally stop haunting each other as if we're each other's own personal ghosts. And I can finally start living again without looking back, hoping that you'll say the words that I want to hear and more. I can finally move on.

For now, I'll just have to endure an even longer period of silence.

Blue and white

They're two ordinary colors, really.

One comes in different shades:
cerulean and cobalt, denim and duke,
maya and majorelle, periwinkle and powder
sapphire and sky and ultramarine.

One with none but its purity
(unless you count ghost white and anti-flash white,
magnolia and old lace, seashell and eggshell,
and ivory and lace).

Two ordinary colors, truly,

Bringing a glimpse of heaven, and the sky, and the sea,
loyalty and purity, and freedom and light,
sincerity and innocence, and faith and spirituality,
and possibility, and inspiration, and perfection.

Bringing a glance of you to me
(together with those happy days and endless nights,
meaningful conversations and unusual anecdotes,
truthful insights and real and true and honest-to-goodness friendship).

Two colors on something named after some fruit,

Just there, on standby...simply there,
simply staring,
simply waiting,
simply wishing.

Just here, in the palm of my hand...actually here
(unlike you who's a thousand miles away,
in your glory and success,
your reality, your truth,
my demise, my pain.)

Two colors I wish I'd see.

To light up my world.
Like a few years ago.
Again.
Again.

Two colors again.

Relapse No. 6

Like a faucet

Turned on

Very similar to the facet of this fact

That needs exploration,

Explanation,

Action.

Did it matter then that it happened

Once upon a time, 

Upon some slithering snakes

Dancing to see who

The real charmer is?

Like a disease

Spreading

Almost the same as a pair of limbs

Accepting and praying

Quickly closing,

Now running.

Does it matter now that a pair ponders

Over bones set into play,

Whilst roaring in delight, disgust

Fighting to see who

The real winner is?

Like a home

Haunted

As her eyes, his touch, their faces

Look confused,

Bruised,

Used.

Will it matter that they have set

The rules, perchance to break,

The stage where a poor soul stands

Waiting to see who

The real man is?

***

Tango (Part 2)

I've fallen for your eyes but they don't know me yet 
And the feeling I forget I'm in love now. 

- Kiss Me, Ed Sheeran

I was afraid and excited and...pretty happy. I knew that that dance would be one hell of a dance the moment you placed your hand on mine.

The first step was perfect -- done at the same time and on the same beat. We spun and waltzed across the dance floor. It was exactly what a tango's supposed to be. It was precise. Passionate. Hot. My eyes have betrayed me: all I can see were glimpses of this and that whizzing past me. Not that I cared that much. My other senses were so...heightened, it was scary. It's as if I can hear a million things at the same time, can feel a million things at the same time. I was having a frighteningly great time.

I couldn't have asked for a better dance partner, too. I can't really describe it, you know? It's like it has this binding magic of its own. You have your own brand of magic. I remember everything in great precision and in a blur, too, if that's even possible. At that time, it didn't matter to me anymore if I were still dancing it right, if I were still moving my feet the way I would've if we were back in the rehearsal studio. Yet you were there to remind me to breathe when I felt like I was about to lose my sanity, to give instructions when I felt like going over the edge, to pull me back when I felt like ignoring the rules of this intricate dance. But I still let the music take over. I let myself loose and danced like I have never danced before. I tried to put as much heart and soul in it without disfiguring the steps, without disregarding the rules.

The dance was almost over when you did something totally unexpected. You improvised. You started going to the left when every book says stay right. After pulling and pulling and pulling me back, you brushed aside the conventional dance patterns, changed our pace and just started really dancing. With me.

Suddenly, it wasn't just about dancing the tango just for the heck of it. It was dancing the tango as if my life depended on it. It was, ultimately, dancing the tango with you.

Tango (Part 1)

You don't have to put on that red light...You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right

- El Tango de Roxanne, Moulin Rouge!

I wanted to dance. I felt it in my bones.

Music was playing. It was loud. But beautiful loud, you know? It made me feel so alive. Each note, each beat, every word. I have never felt like this before. It was something very familiar but something very new. How is that even possible, I wondered. But reason was reduced to nothing but a blur when I heard that old song from not so long ago. Next thing I knew, I was singing. I was humming and I wanted to dance. I was singing and I wanted to tango.

Let me tell you, I really, really wanted to dance. But, for some weird reason, I kept on declining offers. It didn't feel right. No, not with this song. If they have played any other song, I would've gladly danced with them. But not this one. Not this one.

Then, I saw you.

I felt it in a rush. I knew I just had to dance with you. You looked at me from across the dance floor but those glances you threw my way were not enough for me to know for certain if you thought of me competent enough to tango with you. So, I brushed the thought aside and tried to stop myself from raising my hands and dancing to those taunting violin strings.

My song ended and another one began. Brushing aside the disappointment was harder than I thought. I started walking away...

...when you grabbed me by the hand.

And the dance began.

On Making Decisions

I read somewhere that we make about "217 food-related decisions a day". I think we get more or less half of them wrong. That's why we gain (or lose) weight without us knowing. Most girls are slaves to that flat, board-like object lying on the floor. One itsy bitsy line (on that weighing scale, that is) defines our utmost triumph and joy (followed by days of high self-confidence and that liberating "I'm-sexy-and-I-know-it" vibe) or pure anguish and frustration (followed by another week of very limiting diets and really painful physical activities).

It's amazing how, most of the time, crossing one itsy bitsy line defines the course of action we undertake in our lives. It can make us. It can break us. It most definitely affects us. And, most of the time, there is no turning back. The numbers you see when you step on the weighing scale become insignificant when you think of how there are so many other things that you cannot lose (or gain back) once you've crossed that line.

(And they say losing or gaining weight is one of the hardest things a girl encounters in her life. Ha! Yeah, right.)

So what must a girl to do when she is perched on that fence, sitting and thinking of the right thing to do? Must she heed her instinct or carefully think things through? Must she go for the practical choice or the popular decision? Must she be selfish or think of the feelings of the people around her?

Must she listen to her mind's reason? Must she listen to her heart's desire?

Based on experience, I'd like to say that it doesn't really matter. What matters most is that you are ready to face the consequences of that choice. Remember that it is always a fifty-fifty thing: you are never sure if you've done the right thing unless it has been shoved up in your face and you can see it as clear as day. So anticipate that uplifting feeling of pride and satisfaction in what you have done. However, be ready to accept the crushing agony of defeat and shame when you realize that you have gone down the wrong road and that you are lost.

And, when you do get lost, remember the reason why you chose that road anyway. Try to recall all the pros and cons you have listed down (or the lack thereof) that led you to that direction. Remind yourself. Make sure you're sure. No, not of the fact that you made the right decision (because there is no way of knowing, like what I have mentioned earlier) but of the reasons behind that particular choice. See, there is nothing worse than doubting yourself. Second-guessing never helped and never will.

We make decisions every day. Some major ones, some minor ones. Like the ripples when a pebble is thrown in the middle of a lake, remember that it is the effects of our choices -- even the small ones -- that define us. Sometimes, it takes just one teeny tiny line to determine who we are. While we may not always know where to stand, may we always have the courage to stand...and to stand tall.

Life's lemons

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

But what if you're out of sugar and ice? Sometimes, you can't help but feel pessimistic when things are out of your control and, as much as you'd like to remain hopeful that things will be better soon, you lose that cool energy to keep going and that sweet inspiration to get things right again. When this happens, what should you do? Should you still make that lemonade, knowing that it'll taste as bad and sour as the fruit it came from?

Today, I realized that life does not necessarily become better or worse just because a new year has arrived.  You will still be haunted by your past and you cannot start anew unless you have tied up all your loose ends. But is there even a chance in this lifetime for you to drive your demons out of your life? Can you really completely forgive yourself for the pain you have brought not only in your life but also in the lives of the people you care about? Or is finding peace in yourself found only in eternal repose? Are we destined to just admit defeat and feel content with the meager happiness we receive from petty achievements and fleeting memories and bear the mediocrity and/or pain from all the other moments in between?

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But what if you want a glass of apple juice instead? Do we really have to accept all of life's lemons and not ask, wish, hope, pray, beg for something else? Is it wrong to ask for something totally different, just for a change, just for once?


***
Okay, this is such an emo whine-y post. The next lemon life throws me is definitely ending up with tequila. LOL. Happy new year!

The Freedom to Give Up

Note: Yesterday, I got inked by my very talented childhood friend from waaaaaay back then at Octopushink Tattoo Studio and got asked by a lot of people (even the legendary tattoo artist himself, Tatay Nero) what my tatt means to me. Thus, I came up with this entry. :)

Next to passion, freedom is my favorite word. I guess that's because if there is something constant in my life, it's my search for freedom.

ελευθερία (eleptheria) is the "name" of my new tattoo.
After several years of thinking and rethinking of the 
perfect design, my Eleptheria was born.

While I was still studying, I yearned for the freedom to make my own choices because, as a very good friend (not so kindly) pointed out, I had very limited choices back then. I felt shackled because I thought that I was held prisoner by my age and lack of job experience. I wanted to start earning my own money way before I turned 18. However, I had very limited imagination back then so I ended up waiting for our theater company's next show and/or the next surprising moment my guardians would hand me my allowance. When I started working, I craved freedom from all the added responsibilities I inherited from my "very responsible" parents. I wanted to feel young and wild, and happy-go-lucky, like most of my friends. But I knew (and still know) that I can only be like them to a certain extent. I did not really deny myself the luxury of spending my money for personal stuff, yes, but I have always thought of how it felt like to have fun without thinking of the bills one has to pay at the end of the month.

A few years have passed since then. Now, I long for the freedom to discover who I really am and who I want to be without compromising any of the duties I need and want to do. At last, I have realized that I am left with no choice but to accept the fact that I am responsible for the most unlikely things. To some, this might sound like the complete opposite of what I have yearned for during my younger years (from limited to no choices, from wanting to be free from my duties to embracing them) and maybe it is. It's pleasantly surprising to know that I have reconciled to this piece of truth and I feel...okay. Perhaps a bit resigned, but peacefully so. 

Yes, I am proud to say that I am slowly, finally stopping the search for the freedom I want. Instead, I am branding my own freedom. I am giving up.

I am giving up on controlling things that are beyond me and my power. As cliche as this sounds, life is filled with circumstances we cannot avoid. There are moments that we think we have it covered...and then everything spirals downward. We exert so much effort to patch things up that we tend to forget two things: 1. things like these are not our fault and 2. they're not meant to be fixed. Because of this, we end up taking for granted the things we can fix, the things we can do something about, and then you realize that, when they said that life is about the decisions you make, they were talking about you deciding on the ones you fix, the one you keep, the one you exert effort on. I think about the serenity prayer and I believe I'm right on track: I have given up the search for freedom for the search of serenity, courage and wisdom.

I am giving up on seeking the truth from others. Face it, people lie. I lie. I even lie to myself. How can you look for something in others that you cannot find in yourself? Honestly (harhar), I think this looking-for-the-truth thing I had going for months tops my list of not-so-smart moves in life. It's not a matter of trusting people but of being smart enough to know that, sometimes, people can be cruel and not really care about you. On the other hand, this is also a matter of believing that the people that you trust and love won't lie to you just to hurt you. And that you should do the same.

I am giving up on things that are not even mine in the first place. Sometimes, fate lends us small doses of inspiration that can help make the toils and crosses we bear lighter even just for a while: conversations that only the two of you can hear, an umbrella shared under the rain, jokes only you two can understand, a seemingly loving glimmer of admiration in his eyes. Yet, inasmuch as you'd like to keep this treasure to yourself, it feels a bit off. It's like using somebody's very expensive mobile phone for a long time: you feel good and confident, knowing that you have something so valuable in your hands, but you can't help but feel awkward, too, because you know that the phone's not yours to keep, no matter how good it makes you feel. They say you can't let go of something you don't have. That's true. But aren't you tired of rationalizing, telling yourself reasons why you should still wait and pine and sigh and sob and wallow in the pain you want and don't want at the same time? Acknowledge that there is something you have to let go of: the part of yourself who is foolishly holding on. Stand up, accept the truth and make the most of your life from this point on.

It's funny how, once it starts, all things fall into their proper places. I have never thought that, by solving your biggest issue in life (yes, that one about you, not the one about your family or your friends or your love life or work or money), you end up fixing everything. Right now, my life feels like a domino: one problem down after the other. And all I had to do is to give up the freedom I have sought but could never have for things that I have always had and ignored. :)

***

P.S. Pictures from the tatt session:








From the stencil on my skin (lower left) to the finished product (upper left and right) :)

With my childhood friend and ultimate tattoo idol, the jinxed cupcake (eh?), Regine. :D
(I can't believe I still got to smile like that after the session, though. Hahaha!)

Isn't it peculiar

Isn't it quite peculiar how you can remember other people's faces but not their names?
How you recognize that glint in his eye and that crooked smile on his face
but not how you once uttered his name
and asked him questions that caught your interest sometime ago?

Isn't it peculiar how sometimes it's the other way around?
How you vaguely remember hearing this unlikely confidant spill his deepest darkest secrets
but not how tears spilled from his sad, sad eyes
and trickled down from his cheek to yours?

Peculiar, isn't it, how there are moments that you'd rather forget but you can't.
How you want to bear in mind and never forget the lesson you just had to learn the hard way
but not how you felt while you threw wisdom and control out of the window, stayed in his arms,
moaned, gave, received, laughed, cried
and shook yourself to the core?

Peculiar, isn't it, how there are things that are done even before they have begun.
How you find yourself tearing down that jack-in-the-box you created with your impulsive foolishness
but not rebuilding the fort you have painstakingly erected
put up, took care of, sacrificed for, created, polished
and perfected that even you can't stand its perfection?

Peculiar how you want one thing and need another.
Peculiar how a seed so little and ignored can grow so strong.
Peculiar how it can be so alive!

Isn't it?

Paradosso

You...

...want to but you don't.

...have to but you won't.

....dream for stars yet kiss the ground.

Tell me, haven't you been around?

...show confidence but is so insecure.

...have a good heart but your thoughts are impure. 

...want to use yet end up abused.

Hey, how did you get here, all so confused?

...hate hellos but loathe good-byes.

...crave for the truth but are comforted by lies.

...desire to kill yet you strive to live.

Why, you don't really know what to believe!

...can't even find the words to write your song

...know that he's been right all along.

...admit it, with a face, tired and gaunt:

Yes, you really don't know what you want.

quod contra opinionem omnium est.

Here's the Deal

Once again, I am talking about something that I apparently have an excess of: feelings. Honestly, if feelings were money, I'd be the richest gal in town.

More often than not, our emotions get the best of us.

They always say that there's a reason why the head is placed above the heart, and not the other way around. I always thought that this was coincidental, the believer of dreams and the hopeless romantic that I am. I kept on thinking Oh, c'mon. If I were supposed to use my head most of the time, if not always, then, why is it that my heart is in the center of...well, everything? 

Lately, though, I've been thinking this over and, now, I'm not exactly sure. I have always been the "follow your heart's desire" type of girl but, time and again, I've been slapped with concrete evidence that this does not work for most people. Especially if your heart is filled with feelings so fleeting...so fleeting, you can almost feel them slip through your fingers.

Yes, sometimes, our emotions get the best of us. The intensity of our feelings, of our emotions, can be too much for our little hearts to hold. Because of this, we often end up feeling too overwhelmed and we end up making bad decisions. And bad choices often lead to bad consequences.

I always thought that when you feel something -- and when it feels like it's something really special -- you should act on it. Now that I'm older (and perhaps a bit smarter), I've realized that emotions, especially very intense ones, should be left alone until they have either subsided or have grown to something even more spectacularly overwhelming. I think I now have a better idea on the concept of "the real thing"...and it's not something that manifests once in a while just because you're lonely, tired, angry, (insert other negative/positive/whatever emotions here).

"In ten years time, will these still matter?" I now find myself asking this question over and over again when I try to deal with (yup, you guessed it right) these pangs, flutters and "whatnots" I feel. Dealing with certain issues now is easier because, while I definitely still don't know what will happen next, I know what and who I want to see when I look back a few years from now. I want to smile and say that, yes, I handled that pretty well, didn't I? It sort of goes against my philosophy and my quite impulsive nature but so what? I have gotten tired of the drama around me (most of which I have admittedly created, by the way). I now strive to aim to see the simplest things, accept these things and let life be. I can see no other way to survive this world and still be happy at the same time.

Sometimes, I still doubt the decision to let go of my childlike (childish?) view of things. Sifting through people and things in life also have its downsides, like letting go of things you are used to, of people you still want, of feelings you still feel. But you can't have it all. When you go shopping, you have to choose the best pair of shoes that will fit you and your wardrobe because you're no Bill Gates: you can't afford it all. Right now, the best thing is the real thing -- not only now, but in two, five or even ten years time.

I understand that the only real things are facts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that decisions shouldn't always be 100% heart but a compromise of both. I like the idea of taking into consideration what is completely true and what is true to you. Like, how some people can screw up and get you so mad but you still forgive them. You give them a part of your time, of your effort, of yourself, because they are still part of you. No, you don't give them your full trust and attention; you're past that, you're not that naive. It is eternally true that they are your family, your friends but it is also true that they have hurt you and are not doing anything to prove that they are worthy of your trust. So, you don't give everything you have. Instead, you give them what they deserve.

And I think, by doing so, you end up deciding what you deserve as well.

______'s block

So you stare at that cursor
that continuously blinks.
Blink. Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

Your eyes blink with it in unison.
Or maybe your brain, too,
as it tries to think.
But comes up with nothing.

Your fists unclench as well.
And maybe your fingers twitch
as they grasp for the words you want to say.
But frustratingly ends up with nothing.

Your feet tap to the beat.
Or they might go against it
as you try to digest what that song means.
But you hear nothing.

Funny, isn't it, how
while your legs shake to the beat (or not)
and your digits remain uncooperative
and your mind.
Is.
Blank,

as the screen in front of you,

Your heart is so full and heavy, you can
Actually just bleed and bleed and bleed 
All over your page
Or your blog-slash-account
Or hers, or his, or theirs
And let them know everything
you've masked and protected and saved for nobody
but yourself.


So you stare at that corner
as you continuously blink.
Blink. Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

But don't let the first one fall.

Amor Fati

"What fates impose, that men must needs abide; It boots not to resist both wind and tide."

-William Shakespeare

“Yet it would be your duty to bear it, if you could not avoid it: it is weak and silly to say you cannot bear what it is your fate to be required to bear.” 

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

How to Cure a Hangover

People do crazy things when they're in love - Meg, "Hercules" (1997)

People do crazy things when they're drunk. - Me, and everyone else

Once you wake up, get over the initial shock that you're alone. The party's over. Did you really expect them to watch you sleep? They have their own lives to live, their own homes to go home to, their own problems to solve. Selfish bitch.

Grab a glass of water and drink. Never mind that it still tastes a bit like your vomit. Never mind that you don't feel like drinking anything for, perhaps, the next couple of hours (or days). Drink until the last drop. Drink it the way you drank all those tequila shots last night.

Don't try to remember what happened, how it happened and who it happened with. And -- God forbid -- don't even think of trying to remember why it happened. So you danced on a table/laughed out loud/confessed your feelings/held his or her hand/kissed him or her/had sex with him or her/called him or her or them names/cried/vomited/drunk dialed someone/[insert other embarrassing things people typically do when they're drunk]. You were drunk. There's no other explanation. Don't try to rationalize; that'll make things even more embarrassing. You already have a headache so stop trying to make it worse.

Ignore. Ignore that tingling feeling all over your body. Ignore the faint taste of the alcohol on your lips. What's the use of reliving moments long gone? They were fun once, yes, but do you really want to continuously live in the past? You already feel disoriented, confused. Don't make it worse.

Stop asking where time went. Time passes, and quickly. You might not remember anything right now but good things happened, too. If you just really try to see beyond the fact that you were drunk, you'd know. Don't try to recall all the details from the past. You're already in pain. Don't. Make. It. Worse.

Don't blame yourself. It's perfectly normal to get drunk. Some people just handle alcohol better than others. And even those people fail once in a while. Stop muttering "never again" to yourself. You've said that a dozen times before. You can't help it; give it time and you'd probably be begging for more. Perhaps another poison though: a vodka-sprite or a rum coke, a margarita or a long island iced tea. Or you can always have a bottle of good ol' fashioned beer. Hey, why not? It's cheap and goes well with anything. You can use a friendly drink once in a while, you know. Something that your friends'd like as well.

Yes, maybe you just need to choose a better drink next time. Who knows, maybe you can avoid feeling this way if you choose the right stuff next time.

Sleep. Don't try to forget. Yes, I know I said don't try to remember. Just...let it be. Don't think...well, at least not for the next few hours. Be comfortable with the idea that shit happens. This ain't the first time. It definitely won't be the last.

Yes, sleep. Sleep until such the time that you can stand up, walk straight, and go to the bathroom to take a shower and not to throw up. Sleep until you feel less like a zombie and more of a real, live person. Sleep until you don't feel that throbbing pain anymore. Sleep until it doesn't hurt at all.

Fight the urge to smoke. You don't remember where you put your cigarettes, anyway.

Conditionals

If I stop wishing, this ends.

If I stop talking to you, you probably won't care.
If I were her, I wouldn't be as sad.
But, if I had stopped dreaming, I would've lost the dream
                                                                  the wish
                                                                  the prayer I fervently ask for
                                                                                                         but I didn't think
                                                                                                                         or stop
                                                                                                                         or pause.
If only I had stopped waiting, I wouldn't be here thinking of you
I'd be without you.

If I stopped, you wouldn't have noticed anyway.

***

If I say I'm ready, nothing changes.

If I say I'm ready, you probably won't believe me.

If I were her, I wouldn't be as lost.

Yes, if I had been ready, I would've told you
                                                         and her
                                                         and him
                                                         and everyone else in the world
                                                                                            but I'm not brave
                                                                                                             or honest
                                                                                                             or even sure.
If only I had been more sure, I wouldn't be here just thinking of you
I'd be with you.

If I were ready, you wouldn't have noticed anyway.

**

If I go fight for you, everything transforms.

If I go fight for you, you probably won't let me win.

If I were her, I wouldn't be as mad.

And, if I had gone and faced the music, I would've held your hand

                                                                               your face

                                                                               your gaze

                                                                               your heart with such tenderness

                                                                                                               but I didn't think

                                                                                                                       was not sure

                                                                                                                       pretended.

Pretended.

I didn't want you.

If only I had gone and braved the waters, I wouldn't be here just thinking of you

You'd be thinking of me too.

If I did fight for you, would you have even noticed?

Would you have even believed?

Would you have even cared?

*

Would I have ever won?

For if I weren't such a fool, I would've realized that my heart truly belongs to you.